Days without You

i feel like a corpse.
sighs.
havent been attending dance lessons and thus had to "chiong" all the way yesterday.
alot of stuff ran through my mind.
could barely focus.
everything was going so wrong.
distractions added on.
and totally unconfident.
i felt like an idiot.
a vegetable.
yeah and i mean it.
whatever moves i make.

can i really dance ?
perhaps its all a mistake.
because whenever i look at the videos that i participated in, i cannot bear to watch any longer than a minute.
like why does everyone look so graceful and so beautiful and yet im the total opposite.........
im like a total idiot.
maybe i cant dance.
received training but everytime i deprove.
i could do a split in the past you know.
i could push myself over my own limit.
now i've to start from scratch.
back to square one.
is it me or because im not working hard enough?
i do want to be in the performance.
i enjoy performing.
i used to be extremely proud of myself.
i want all eyes on me that sort of feeling.
i've been doing it for close to six years.
but.

srsly i've never felt so bad before.
ever since i watched myself doing the juniors item during production i feel like this.
yes.
that fateful day i watched myself crumble.
the day i watch my stupid self doing oh-so-foolish stuff that i never imagined would happen to me.
i cried and cried.
for days and nights.
i didnt realise.
i didnt thought i was a total fool on stage.
really felt like there's nothing i can do anymore.
and its preventing me to do what i love the most.
i dread going for dance lessons.
i dread looking myself move in the mirror.
people tell me im okay and after every performance they tell me i did well.
really wanted to choke.
its just too hard to believe.
i couldnt take it and would just hide somewhr to cry.


thanks all for believing in me.
i definitely need to build up my self confidence.
and i cannot do this alone.